Confused by child’s behavior after gender change

Dear Annie: I have a 40-year-old child who is transitioning from male to female. I was told of this decision by email. We haven’t had much in-person discussion about this, but each time I post a picture or a memory, I feel I’m being scolded by them saying, “That’s not who I am anymore,” as if anything we did together or any memory I have doesn’t exist.

I invite her to spend time with me and my husband so we can all adjust to our new roles but get turned down — except for holidays. I’m very confused about this whole thing. I’m not young, but I try to be flexible and accepting of people’s choices and feel that everyone has a right to happiness. I just don’t know how to make it work. To top it off, I am seriously ill and may die before the transition is complete and may never know this person or have a relationship with her.

— Confused Mom

Dear Confused Mom: Your love for your child is clear to me, and you need to make sure it is clear to her as well. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you love her, support her and are doing all that you can to educate yourself on what it means to be transgender.

Then, you need to walk the walk. I am guessing your daughter is exhausted by having to explain her identity to people. Show her that you are putting in the work by proactively learning about transgender issues.

And finally, of course your memories with your daughter pre-transition are still valid. I am guessing they are very special to her as well. But instead of yearning for the old days, focus on celebrating the fact that your daughter is now fully embracing who she is.

Dear Annie: I am a mature male who works out almost daily. I watch what I eat, consuming a lot of fruits, veggies, whole grains and lean meats. As a result, I am lean and have a BMI around 21. I frequently receive the “You are too skinny” comment from people who have a BMI of at least 30. I just usually listen and change the subject.

Annie, I do not body-shame others, nor do I insist that others work out as much as I do. And I NEVER comment on someone’s weight, whatever it might be. I am tired of being (wrongly) judged and am looking for an appropriate response.

— Fit in Florida

Dear Fit: I’d like to think the people who are making these sorts of comments toward you are doing so out of love and concern. That said, I can sense your frustration and rightly so; it’s not appropriate to make remarks regarding either side of the weight spectrum.

The next time you find yourself the target of a body-shaming speech or wisecrack, try responding with something like, “My health is really important to me. I’m proud of my lifestyle and my body,” or “I appreciate your concern, but you should know that I am amazingly healthy the way I am.” By directly addressing these comments in the moment, you can hopefully avoid having repeat discussions in the future — while simultaneously dishing out some food for thought.